All I wanted to do was to find an old post on this blog and delete it. But I’ve read it again and, I have to say, I had a scarce, pale memory of it. It wasn’t as patronizing as I remembered, so I’ve decided to keep it there.
Actually, it reminded me of when I was feeling better with myself, and life was “on the right tracks”, which now isn’t anymore, and it was a bit too much to bear.
I still have no idea of how I ended up here. I’m almost 28, and I’m still where I was at 18, dreaming to get away from here, empty pockets, empty mind.
And I still rant on my blog about the things I don’t want to do, just like when I was 23.
Hating my home, but still at home.
Always thinking about time that flies away, always wasting time, always hating wasting time, but still…
Feels like a treat, doesn’t it?
I’ve been there. I’ve been the one who goes out there and risks everything, every little drop of pride, just to try. And I know you’ve been there too.
But was it just your face out there? Was it? Or was it your life, your pride, your entire nature risking it all?
I’ve been there. And, honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever have the strenght to be there again.
I’ve heard of people who still try, and sometimes I smile for them, sometimes I can’t put aside my pride and I just frown.
I’ve been there too. I’ve even thought I knew what critics thought on their path of becoming one. I’ve seen broken hopes, I’ve even seen sleepless nights and sleeping days. I’ve cried my heart out when I realised it was too late for me, and it had never meant to be for me. And I’ve cried my soul out when I gave up that part of me.
And I was sort of relieved when I realised that at least, I’ve been there.
Sometimes, it wouldn’t be a waste
to walk on, over the cliff,
and defeat, it ain’t such sour taste
but maybe it would be a relief
but it won’t
slow you down
Ok, guys stop with all the bullshit I’ve been reading in the last 2 minutes I’ve been on facebook.
Do you really want this year to be awesome? Be fucking awesome! Stop blaming everything on destiny or fate, or worse, on the others. Start doing a little self-criticism. Don’t be self-indulgent, beat the crap out of yourself and LIVE. For fuck’s sake, LIVE and stop existing only.
Most of the time, you decide what your year will be like, not a stupid number on the calendar.
Do you want to witness a change? Be that fucking change and stop annoying everyone with your fears!
Best regards to all of you.
and if you’re still bleeding
you are the lucky ones
’cause most of our feelings
they are dead and they are gone
Maybe I should apologise for something that I have said/done.
There is a bit of irony in it because, at first, everybody liked my intention to be myself and speak my mind without caring about the others’ reactions. Now I am kindly requested (even through the torture of silence) to stop talking about some topics.
So, let’s make a list of what I can’t talk about:
– my low opinion of LSU;
– my opinion of actors (even though it’s playful – even though the others can be harsh on the ones that I like or find funny, and I don’t even frown, because who cares!);
– my opinion of some bands, or music styles (even though in certain contexts and with certain people I could be more or less bitter about it – even though the others can be harsh on the ones that I like, and I don’t even frown, because who cares! );
– my opinion.
What I find particularly annoying is that nobody seems to care when I talk about topics that really matter to me. So, of course I have to talk about these fucking topics. I’m forced to, if I want to have a conversation.
I’m not trying playing the victim here. I’m just being honest once again.
In conclusion: I’m sorry for the kind of person that I have been. But, you know, I’m not perfect and neither are you.
Being stuck in the middle sucks. Just saying.
You’re neither fish nor fowl nor good red herring. There must be someone like me, somewhere.
It’s a shared thought that similar people must have the same feelings about, er, every fucking thing.
I personally disagree with this one. People may just agree on something and be different for the rest, but I don’t believe in symbiotic relationships. Maybe this is why I’m fearing loneliness right now.